So you are at work and a passing comment from a colleague triggers a reaction in you that keeps distracting you for the rest of the day. You don’t like it. You feel put down and confused. As the day goes on you feel stuck and you are not sure why the comment is eating away at you. After all, you are bigger than this…so what is going on and what can you do about it?
One problem when addressing perceived conflict, especially interpersonal conflict, is that trust has already been broken and often we have acquired resistance to fixing the problem.
I recently had a disappointing situation with a colleague that left me feeling de-energised and devalued. At one level I did not want to talk to him about it but realised that we would need to continue working together and that I needed to clear the air.
Necessity can force us into mediation and conflict resolution processes that fail to achieve much. We embark upon them anyway as the cost increases of unresolved conflict with falling morale and rising stress levels. We want to reduce further deterioration of workplace relationships which can critically disrupt the people involved and the wider team.
Judith E. Glaser is a renowned business strategist and sought after author and speaker. She works with many of the world’s leading organisations. Together with the CreatingWE ® Institute she has developed a framework known as Conversational Intelligence (C-IQ). It has many tools for priming even the most resistant people for trust and rebuilding damaged relationships. Glaser’s work is evidenced by neuroscience which suggests that where there is distrust we are regularly triggered by what the other person says or does.
When this happens the chemical Cortisol is released throughout the brain that closes down our brains higher social functions and our executive (sophisticated) thinking and we revert to self-preservation modes of behaviour; the classic fight, flight, freeze, or appease.
Later, we interpret our feelings and thoughts about the situation going over what has happened. We filter it through our own prejudices and bias to create a series of beliefs about the other person that may be based on facts but also on stories that we make up to justify and evidence our beliefs and conclusions whether they are accurate or not.
In the situation with my colleague I had come to believe that he was not doing his job properly by not being more collegial and sharing the leadership opportunities with me. I concluded it was his problem.
If we are serious about resolving our differences, we have to have the intention to deepen the relationship and to find a way to rebuild trust. Firstly, we need to identify and let go of the fictional stories and be prepared to really see the world from the other person’s perspective. Secondly it will involve a conversation to explore both your reality and the other person’s with the opportunity to share the necessary information about the history and how it has affected you and others. It involves being candid and honest and demonstrating a level of care for the other person’s position together with concern for their welfare.
The conversation of course, needs to be two way so that both people have the opportunity to share their reality, what is important to them and most importantly, what has to happen differently to move things forward. This focus on sharing information and how you see things moves both you and the other person away from behaviours that are self-protective and into sharing behaviours that create real partnership. From a neuroscience perspective as you find common ground and start to connect Oxytocin (a bonding neurotransmitter) is released in the brain and we are better able to use those executive functions and our heart-brain connection. In fact our brain patterns are aligning and assisting us to connect more deeply and creates opportunities to transform the situation and relationships.
Without this commitment to a process that rebuilds trust and generates shared understanding the possibilities of finding new ways to work together will be limited and the relationship will not improve.
So in my case I arranged to meet with my colleague and followed a C-IQ process to share my perspective with him. I had to first commit to deepening our relationship and to find new ways of working together. Interestingly I had to let go of the positional notion that “I was right and he was wrong” (which is never easy as there is ego involved). I was able to use “discovery” questions to keep the focus of the discussion on finding better ways to work together. Not only did we deal with our perceptions and feelings but I discovered there where things I could do differently which could improve the relationship.
More importantly though, we moved into a more strategic discussion that deepened our relationship in ways I had not foreseen and the information we shared helped me to see other possibilities in my work and gave me insight for a planning session I was facilitating with the organisation’s board.
The benefits of being prepared and committed to a process were evident. In summary the essence of successful resolution of conflict are:-
- intention to build trust
- desire to deepen relationship and understand the other person’s reality
- focus on sharing and discovery and not returning to the “I am right and you are wrong line of thinking”
- applying a clear and reliable process to follow.
All of my coaching programs use C-IQ framework and tools to assist participants to have a greater influence and impact in their work. Conversations are everything.
Send me an email at robert@icoachsolution.com and I will share with you a resource that introduces you to Judith’s work and the underpinning neuroscience that impacts on all of our interactions with others. What we say and how we say it really impacts on others especially in terms of establishing trust which is critical for all of our conversations especially where we need solutions to real and painful situations.